You know that feeling when people always look at you as if you always be that innocent sweet little girl since forever and still is, but the truth is you are never any holier than any of your friends and even bad, you are the one with the darkest secret past that nobody knows of.
I am not writing this entry tonight to reveal any of my secrets or my past stories that I wished never ever happened at the first place, but well looking at the bright side, it did mould me to a person I am right now. Maybe I am never that one perfect girl ( well, who does ) but at least this path that I am taking in ( always and still in the process of becoming a better Muslimah ), is the path that I'm pretty much sure will lead me to a better ending, in shaa Allah. I never asked for any of those things that happened to me in the past, but Allah knows the best and surely He put me in that situations, made bad, humiliating things happened to me in order to give lesson to me. To purify me, I must say. :)
To think back of what had happened and why everything happened, I am truly glad that Allah has planned my journey in His very best way. As I recalled every single major life changing things that happened to me, feels like wanna cry a jug as I feel so blessed for Allah has saved me so many times for all the big sins that I would probably fall into. Alhamdulillah, for each of His cares and guidances to me.
Well, actually, I never realised all these things until this one shocking news broke that almost made my heart stop beating. Almost speechless to the disbelieve, I was numb for a second. Indeed, I feel the love of the Lord for protecting me all these years. If I wasn't being transferred from that school and called 'that thing' off, I couldn't imagine what will happen to me. How amazing every plan He has sketched for me is! O Allah, you never failed to awe me even with a slightest thing.
But who knows, by being transferred to a new school, Allah has tested me with quite a similar task but it involved a whole different story of friendship, loyalty and greed. As weak as I am, I failed the test and I was badly influenced by my Nafs and Shaytan. Astaghfirullah.
I seriously couldn't imagine what I would become if I still taking that road. The path that surely would lead me to the hell fire. All my bad deeds in the past, will I take it as a lesson-to-learn and will always be the best teacher to teach me distinguishing between a good thing and a bad one, in shaa Allah.
And till now, I am still holding to this one saying, ;
"Every pious person has a past, and every sinner has a future."
Never underestimate the power of Hidayah.
"Kun fayakun". If Allah says, Be! Be it is.
If He has set upon you to be a believer, you certainly would be one and no one has the power to reject it without He wills. And vice versa.
Indeed, Allah is the best planner.
So, think twice if you are saying that you have sinned as big as the planet Mars and Allah won't probably forgive you.
Allah mercy will always remains and He never failed to listen to each prayer and taubah of His servants.
"Verily, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves."
If you say it is hard to let go all those sins that you make, think twice and ask yourselves, how much longer do you wanna hold on to it? So, learn to let go. If you keep on holding to that one thing that means "everything" to you, you will never give yourselves the chance to experience a much better, valuable thing or event.
Yes, there's always time to change, but do remember, the time to change will definitely stop when your life have been taken away from this dunya.
And who lose at that very moment?